Bedroom talk (Adult Filters should be at work)

Dear God,

 

It's me again. First off, I want to thank you for inventing the vagina. You really outdid yourself on that one. I haven't wrote you in a while so I guess I'll fill
you in on the minor incovenience I call my life.

Since we last spoke, it's gone pretty well. I recently bought a turtle that favors our president, I call him W. He's cool. He likes cheetos and Puerto
Ricans. He thinks he's a gangster though. Yesterday he got in a fight with a rat over a rib. The rat bit off two of his legs and scratched his eye out before I could save him. It's really messed up because when I take to him to the mall to pick up chicks he just sits there. I think the rib incident really hurt his confidence.

On the up side, I think my penis grew an inch (in width and length). Who am I kidding? You know me too well God. I just cut my pubic hairs into horizontal stripes because some lady on television said that it makes you look bigger. I think it turned out pretty well. The young lady I was trying to get to nibble on my pepperoni stick didn't think so highly of my artwork, but she did call me Penis Picasso. I mean she's not one to judge, her vagina looked like a taco salad and smelled like week-old Chinese food. It didn't taste that bad though.

Anyways, I'm back in school so I have some homework to get to. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

 

 

Your friend,

Cutlass McCarlo

 

P.S. Thanks for the rockin body.

 

 

Self impositions

Dear Diary,

 

It looks like I'm here again; just trying to improve my internet life one day at a time. My overall goal is to be able to live in one room for the rest of my life and never have to leave. My room will resemble a closet. I won't need a refrigerator because I will only eat NASA freeze dried food and my floor will be made out of grass so I can use the restroom on the ground. I pretty much picture it as being a shack but in the city so I can steal wireless internet. I also want to have the first drop-top house so I can see the stars at night and the rain can water my indoor lawn. I'm going to call my home Project Matrix.

I'm still looking for a job that I can work from the comforts of my Toshiba Laptop and yet not compromise my integrity. I've decided that the best route would be to create my own business. The first job I have in mind is starting an instant messenger escort service. People will pay me by the hour to talk to them via IM. I was also thinking about hosting my own web cam show that is a jazz dance class that is meant to mentor troubled inner-city youth. My last option is to auction off the usage of every part of my body. For example, if someone doesn't have fingers, they can rent mine for a dollar a minute and I will do simple things for them like pick their nose.

I'm still looking for the perfect internet girlfriend. I've been using Myspace to do my search. I've narrowed it down to three specific criteria. One, she cannot quote rap songs in her title. Next, she mustn't try to offer me target gift cards or encourage me to enlarge my penis. Lastly, she must have a good range of profile pictures. Every picture can't be pictures with her friends, booty shots and close-ups of her making pouting faces at the camera.

Hopefully someday my internet life will take over my natural life.

 

 

Thank you,

King Cutlass McCarlo

 

P.S. Deez Nutz

 

 

Words Jin connects.

In the mean time, we'll take his outerspace.

The King is Out Back mic'n up in an outhouse

 

He'll be here after he wipes up the stains.